My last post

I haven’t blogged since February and an awful lot has happened since then.

I’m in a permanent job.

Baby B is a toddler now. He can walk and say some words.

He nurses often at night to make up for the day.

I miss him when I’m at work. I don’t think working full time is sustainable in the long term.

I don’t live in Breastfeeding Utopia. I want to. Looking back I think a lot of what I wrote was very jumbled and mixed up but I think the basic premise is still correct:

Having a baby should not preclude a woman from earning money. But earning money should not mean a woman has to leave her baby in the care of someone else, if she does not want to. Women should be entitled to far, far more flexible working arrangements. These arrangements should include but not be limited to: taking the baby to work with her, working from home, working very flexible hours including evenings and weekends and even some form of arrangement where, if the mother is entitled to money towards childcare costs, and she wants to care for her child or children full time, she has access to this subsidy herself.

I also believe that, as the one who carried the baby, and the one who provides the milk, it should be the mother who has first refusal on whether she wishes to be primary carer. If she does not want this role, the father, or mother’s partner should have second refusal and the flexible working arrangements should be extended out to him.

I say the above because I’ve read a lot recently about how (in the UK) maternity leave for women should be cut from nine months paid to six months paid for the mother and three months for the father in order to stop discrimination against working mothers (who are apparently unemployable due to them constantly taking long maternity leaves and leaving poor little businesses in the lurch). I do absolutely believe in extending paternity leave – and extending it drastically. But not at the expense of maternity leave.

It should be made possible for mothers to look after their child or children on their terms – without plunging them into poverty and without entailing huge financial sacrifices.

I haven’t mentioned mothers who want to do paid work in the traditional sense where they work “office hours” and their child is left in some form of childcare. Only because the many problems faced by these women are more “visible” – at least it seems to me – within the feminist sphere. But I don’t want to be all “misty eyed” here and believe that all mothers would want to be with their children “twenty four seven” if it was suddenly arranged that they could do this AND combine it with paid work in some way (home working, working with baby at work, working evenings when baby in bed etc.) Perhaps because the job is too dangerous to have a baby with her (e.g. emergency services) or because she just plain doesn’t want to.

And for these mothers other options should be of the highest possible quality. Does the father / partner want to take over the role of primary carer? He should be as enabled to do so as the mother would be and the mother should be enabled to provide her milk as easily as possible. It would probably take even more of a cultural shift for us to accept a father bringing his baby into work in a sling as he sweats over the accounts, for example, or chairs a meeting, but that needs to happen.

If the father doesn’t want to take on this role either then we should be enabling grandparents, relatives, close friends etc. to take on this role wherever possible. A constant presence in the baby’s life; constant attachment figure. And where this fails – paid childcare should be of the highest possible quality and provided on a one to one or one to very few basis, where the baby or child has access to one person as s/he grows; a nanny, or childminder, or if a nursery, one with an incredibly small staff to child ratio, where each child is assigned his or her own personal carer, and staff retention is high and turnover almost non-existant.

But in these cases, where a parent is not the primary carer, working hours should be such that parents do not miss out on too much! Forty, fifty, even sixty-plus hour weeks are not conducive to a good family relationship! But cutting parents’ working hours down would lead to them being heavily discriminated against in the workplace. Why can’t we cut everyone’s hours? We have the 48 hour working time directive (which most employees are forced to opt out of anyway); why not 40? 37.5? 35? Even 30?

Imagine how full-term breastfeeding and gentle parenting would be aided by all of this. Imagine how society itself would be improved.

People will say – particularly of the idea of taking a baby / child into work – “but you’d never get anything done! Think of the distraction! No one would take you seriously!” and much more – and I say, what was said when women first entered the workplace?

So that’s me. I’m moving to a new blog I think but I’ll leave this one for “posterity”. Bye!

I’ve been away so long… but now I’m back

I’ve been so busy!

1. I’ve had to succumb and return to work. As I don’t live in breastfeeding utopia, I’ve had to leave baby B with his Nan. That’s right, my mil. But she’s not been too bad with him at all; there’s not much babywearing going on but there’s lots and lots of play and tactile comfort, plus the baby-led weaning is still continuing and going well. I pump while I’m in work for him and he gets plenty of solids & water plus a bit of milk while I’m in work; at home he breastfeeds often; he is also a milk vampire and feeds constantly at night!

2. I’ve been busy with my peer supporter stuff; I’ve graduated now (hurray! lovely day where we received certificates from the Mayoress of St Helens) and three of us (me, A & K) are starting up a group on Saturdays in our local SureStart children’s centre.

3. Dh hasn’t been well. He has been diagnosed with a central serous retinopathy in his right eye… which is bad enough by itself, but his left eye is a lazy eye. Sadly we weren’t getting anywhere with the NHS so we went private for the diagnosis … it looks like he’ll have to have an operation, although we can get this on the NHS.

So you can see I’ve had a lot to contend with – apologies for my absence but I will try to pop back a lot sooner next time!

Breastfeeding Utopia

Katie’s little boy, Dylan, is six weeks old and she’s just coming to the end of her “lying in”. She’s had friends over to cook and help with basic chores, her other half, Paul, has also had this time off work, she’s done very little except constantly breastfeed little Dylan and get out every day for some lovely fresh air with Dylan in one of his many slings. He feeds well, and is starting to get to that stage where he’s smiling at Mum and Dad… if they really work hard for it, that is!

Dylan sleeps long periods in the sling, and sleeps with Mum and Dad at night. He’s started to “sleep through the night”. Of course to Paul and Katie, this means that he goes upstairs with them at ten, feeds little and often in a state of light sleep and finally wakes for the day at about eight o’clock. He no longer has dirty nappies in the night so Katie just wraps him up in a huge bamboo nappy with a massive booster pad and he doesn’t then need changing.

Katie’s considering going back to work in about another six weeks. Paul is definitely going back to work.

Seven weeks later Dylan is starting to be much more interested in what’s going on around him. There’s the photocopier, which makes interesting noises, the computer, where Mum Katie is always typing away, the telephone, where she seems to speak to people who aren’t there… it’s most interesting.

Dylan sits in the sling for most of the day, apart from for nappy changes. Whenever Mum thinks he’s about to cry, she plugs him into her milk and away he goes. Katie tries to do as much moving around as possible, as Dylan likes the movement.

In a few months’ time she knows he will be big enough to play in the middle of the huge, circular, open plan office, designed specifically with babies and toddlers in mind. He’ll happily play away with toys and if he needs Mum… he will be able to come and get her. Often a toddler or child is seen rushing to Mum for a “comfort break”; a quick, five minute breastfeeding session to help with a banged knee, or a tired irritable infant. But for now Dylan sits in the sling.

Katie – like everyone, including Dad – works a four day week, nine until five, with an hour and a half for lunch. That’s enough time to enable her and Paul to get home for a meal with baby Dylan onlooking, catch up and give Dylan some Daddy time, and get back to work, as, like most people in breastfeeding utopia, they live locally to where they work; there are schemes in place to encourage this; it’s great for the environment but also great for family life and for children.

And with thirty holidays a year, Katie and Paul get ample time to spend as a family, including Dylan’s Nan, Gran, Grandpa and Granddad, not to mention various Aunties and Uncles (whether related or not)!

The great thing is, because Katie and Paul are happy and not at all guilty about the amount of time they spend bringing up Dylan, they work really hard and get so much done in the time they’re in work.

School doesn’t start here until children are seven years of age; by this time most of these children are at the stage of weaning, or have already weaned; until a child is seven here, it is welcome with its parent at work. There is more of a “creche” facility for the children over four here, with workers taking turns looking after the children, although they are of course welcome to return to their parent at any time. It’s still more often the mother who takes the child to work, as usually these children are breastfed, but because the Mum doesn’t have to choose between work and career… she doesn’t mind.

Jackie has a highly survival adapted baby called Rebekah. Jackie decides not to return to her previous office role but to take up a job as a shop assistant which involves a lot of time on her feet, walking around, as this is what Rebekah likes and what settles her when she’s in the sling. She takes a full year to look after Rebekah; Jackie would tell you that looking after Rebekah is a “job in itself”.

The year off work is of course paid at SNP (statutory nursing pay) which is the equivalent salary of what here would be about £18,000 (plus London weighting for those in the capital). That’s in addition to her maternity leave, which starts two months before her due date and during which time she receives full pay until the baby is born.

Sharon is due to give birth. The thing is, she just doesn’t want to breastfeed. That’s despite it being the cultural norm here in breastfeeding utopia, despite there being so much support here that it’s almost impossible not to be able to do it, despite breasts not being seen as primarily sexual objects here in breastfeeding utopia, despite all that… she just finds something strange about it.

It’s certainly unusual here. She has no problem with giving birth and other baby-related natural functions, just this. She just “has a thing” about breasts, in the same way someone in our world might “have a thing” about feet, and never want to show them, even on a hot sunny day.

No one makes a fuss though, or calls her a bad mother. It’s understood that she just doesn’t want to and it’s rare enough that she, along with low supply Mums & babies with physiological difficulties that prevent breastfeeding, is able to get donor milk to feed her baby.

But we started with Katie. In a few years’ time she will go on to have another baby, Tanya, at home, just like Dylan, who weaned himself at four and a half when he decided he didn’t want milk any more. In fact that was the first she knew that Tanya was on the way, because Dylan told her her milk tasted funny. She will take the full eighteen months with Tanya (longer SNP with a second baby)  and then return to work, just before Dylan is ready to go to school. She hand expresses a little milk every time Dylan has a cold; she openly hoped he might return to breastfeeding when he saw Tanya at the breast but that didn’t happen, so she phoned one of the helplines to tell them her dilemma.

There aren’t as many peer supporters and breastfeeding counsellors now.  Knowledge of breastfeeding is everywhere and there aren’t many problems that other mothers can’t solve or support with. But the lines are open more for emotional support when children wean themselves, as some Mums still find this a little hard, especially if it seems to happen quite suddenly.

Katie gets a shoulder to cry on, and then goes back to her busy life with Dylan and Katie, and hubs Paul. She is happy. This is breastfeeding utopia.

Breastfeeding Utopia – part four preamble

The next post is going to be a big one. I wanted to write out a post for the “BU” series that really exemplified what I thought “BU” would be like. I particularly wanted to cover the issue of returning to paid work.

This is an issue close to my heart at the moment as I can’t afford to be a SAHP any more really. But also, I do think modern society is set up in such a way that SAHPs can be quite isolated and going back to paid work is sometimes the only way to defeat isolation. The issue of who cares for your baby if you do return to paid work is a huge one fraught with all kinds of guilt for many mothers. And as for breastfeeding, or breast milk feeding, how does that work out, especially if the infant is exclusively breastfed?

I wanted to just throw an idea or two out there, some of it is shamelessly gleaned from The Continuum Concept I’ll admit, and some of it is my own musings. I’d say much of it is probably hopelessly idealistic but this is breastfeeding utopia after all.

A friend of mine once mused that the real challenge for any society is what to do with its young men. (He did say this after watching Ross Kemp on Gangs so I took it with a pinch of salt! )  I think that just as much of a challenge for a society is how to treat its new mothers.

Two of the less well-known benefits of breastfeeding

Many of us know of the “benefits of breastfeeding” (not “advantages of breastfeeding”; advantage compares it to something else, and breast should be the standard against which other methods are compared – sorry, just a little sidetrack there). These tend to be based around babies’  and mothers’ health, with a few “bonding” benefits thrown in for good measure.

But here are two of the benefits I’ve discovered that aren’t so well known.

You know how you get told “you’ll be able to read all your baby’s different signals – if he’s hungry, tired or just wants comforting”? And it sounds daunting (and it is)? Well, with breastfeeding, you don’t have to! I mean, you can if you want sit there and try and interpret those cries but this is how it would go:

“Waah! Waah!” What does this cry mean? Slightly high pitched, quite close together… hungry. I know, offer breast for food.

“Waaah! Waaah!” What about this one? Longer cries, lower in town… tired. I know, offer breast for sleep.

“Wah! Wah!” And this? Staccato cry with sharp intakes of breath… wants comforting. I know, offer breast for comfort.

So given the solution is the same in each case, why bother learning? Just offer the breast. In the early months this is a lifesaver; as baby gets older you will find (to your horror, if you are anything like me) that if baby does not want the breast s/he will refuse it anyway.

Another benefit people don’t talk about so often is what it does to your self-confidence, particularly with respect to body image. Maybe it is just me, but I used to dislike my body. So bumpy and lumpy and chubby, and those boobs; so big, but so saggy with their huge pink areola and blue veiny tinge. But now my breasts have a purpose and even the extra stores of fat I have are being made use of to make milk. I feel untouchable; insults about my weight or looks just bounce off.

Baby B strokes at the other breast whilst feeding, and those soft, needy hands stroking down a breast and gently pulling at the nipple to stimulate the milk make me and my body feel truly useful. I know it’s quite sad that I was never able to feel like this before, but at least I have that feeling now.

Anyone think of any more benefits that they don’t tell you?

Food glorious food? Not as good as breast milk.

Following on from my last post:

How often have you heard a breastfeeding mother say, “s/he’ll probably stop/start doing it (depending on what “it” is) when s/he starts on solid foods”? (e.g. he’ll sleep through the night when he’s on solids, he’ll stop being so fussy when he’s on solids etc.) What does this really mean?

Think about it. The implication there is that solid foods are somehow a cure all for baby problems. What are we comparing them to? That’s right, human milk. We’re saying solid foods are somehow “better” than human milk.

Again, we’re suspicious of breast milk. It’s somehow lacking, it’s not trustworthy enough, we can’t see how much is going in, we don’t really know what’s in it, it’s a bit mysterious. Whereas solid food – well, we cook it ourselves, we can see it going down, it’s tangible and real.

And yet, did you know that your breast milk actually contains, gram for gram, more calories than “solid” food? So that if you’re swapping breast milk for solid foods, you’re actually lowering your baby’s calorific intake? That’s certainly not going to stop a night-waking baby; if anything it will exacerbate the problem! Solid foods, at least for the first year, are meant to be a dessert rather than the main course. Baby needs to fill up his/her tummy on nutritious, calorific breast milk and then experiment with tastes as an afterthought.

But we’re suspicious of breast milk because it’s not the norm. It’s as if, as soon as baby has tasted that first floret of broccoli, breastmilk, which for the first six months was a complete food, suddenly becomes just a drink, an afterthought to the main meal of “normal”, solid food.

Think about it. Have you ever said, “he should sleep well tonight after that huge meal?” or lamented, “she’s too full of milk to take her proper food?” Think again.

Don’t blame it on sunshine, moonlight, good time or even the boogie…

Blame it on the breastfeeding.

Have you ever noticed how anything that happens is the fault of breastfeeding?

I’ve heard breastfeeding blamed for everything from non-sleeping babies, fussy babies and clingy babies, to exhausted mothers and marital breakdown.

“He isn’t sleeping long periods,” says a new Mum. “Are you still breastfeeding him?” is almost invariably the first question asked. If the mother is, then the answer given is often, “you need to give him a bottle last thing at night, then he’ll sleep,” or other words to this effect. In other words, it’s because you’re breastfeeding.

“He’s really fussy between feeds,” says another. “Are you still breastfeeding?” “Yes, why?” “Maybe you don’t have enough milk. He’s probably starving. Have you thought about giving him a bottle?”

“My husband and I are hardly speaking these days and I don’t find myself interested in sex,” says a third. “Are you still breastfeeding?” “Yes, do you think that’s something to do with it?” “Well, all I can tell you is that when you stop breastfeeding your libido comes back. Might be worth you stopping now, your baby’s had all the benefits and now your dh needs you.”

Have you ever noticed this? Any problem in a breastfed baby or breastfeeding mother / couple is to do with the breastfeeding.

Let’s see what happens when those mothers above answer, “no, I’m formula/bottle feeding him.”

Sleep: “ah well, that’s sometimes normal. Some babies don’t sleep through for yonks.”

Fussy: “he might just be one of those grizzly babies. Take him for a walk in the pram.”

Sex: “well I’m not surprised you’re not interested! You’re knackered and you’ve just had a baby!”

I could give examples for many more scenarios, but why do people do this? Is it simply because breastfeeding is not the cultural norm and as a result we eye it with some suspicion? We see bottle/formula feeding as the norm; have you ever heard a formula feeding mother told “is it something in the milk do you think?” No, me neither (occasionally I have heard it said, “is it his bottle/teat?” but only with direct reference to feeding problems). But I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve heard it said to breastfeeding mothers. Breast milk is a bit suspicious, as it’s not the cultural norm. You don’t know exactly what’s in it. It’s a bit mysterious, maybe a bit too “unscientific”, and we don’t entirely trust it.

But surely we, as breastfeeding mothers, don’t eye breastfeeding with suspicion, do we? Think about it. Next time you are having a “problem” or you hear of a friend having a “problem” with a (non-feeding) aspect of her baby’s behaviour, just check yourself and see if your first thought is to do with the breastfeeding.

More bad advice … but this time it’s a bit sadder.

I thought I’d share some of these pieces of advice that I’d heard recently; some directed at me, some at others. Read them and see if you can tell why they made me particularly sad.

If you’re nursing a toddler, don’t let them pull up your top in public. It might put someone off breastfeeding.

If you want to overindulge in drink over Christmas, make sure you have some EBM ready. Then make sure you pump and dump the feed you’ve missed and give the EBM instead.

Never let your baby fall asleep at the breast; they’ll never be able to go to sleep any other way.

I think some breastfed babies are fatter than they should be, because their Mums always use the breast as a first resort to comfort them, rather than looking for other ways.

So what does all this bad advice have in common? It was all handed out by other breastfeeders and some even by so-called “experts”. If we can’t even get it right, what hope is there for anyone else?

About my previous post (“A little story”).

After a comment on that particular post I wanted to explain exactly what I was trying to say as – I didn’t realise when I wrote it – it might have been misinterpreted.

My gist was this: we’re often told that there’s only a very, very, very small percentage of women who “can’t breastfeed”; often 1 in 50 is quoted. People often use this “fact” as a stick to beat women with who formula feed their babies.

I was trying to write about the cultural reasons surrounding breastfeeding difficulties, so that the 1 in 50 figure (which I think is things like breast reduction surgery, medical conditions that stop a woman lactating, that kind of thing) is actually much, much higher.

For example, our culture (here in the UK) tells women not to share a bed with their babies, that this is somehow wrong or immoral. Not bedsharing makes night feeding a bit more of a hassle, so that some women try and night-wean their babies earlier than the baby is ready. Often this causes problems with the breastfeeding relationship and sometimes the woman even stops breastfeeding as a result of these problems. However, I wasn’t saying was that putting your baby in a cot is wrong, or that if you can’t breastfeed it’s your own fault for not bedsharing, or anything else along these lines!!

Another example was that our culture tells us that babies have dummies when they cry.  This causes problems; sometimes the baby gets confused with how to suck, doesn’t remove milk efficiently from the breast as a result and breastfeeding is compromised; sometimes the breasts aren’t stimulated enough as the baby sucks on the dummy for comfort instead of the breast and the woman’s milk supply isn’t as great as it could be and so on. However again I wasn’t saying that dummies are just wrong, or that if you can’t breastfeed it’s your own fault for using a dummy!

I just wanted to clear that up as I really do not want to come across as a judgemental person; if anything I was trying to show with that post the very fact that I don’t think we should be judgemental of women who are unable to breastfeed, whatever the reasons.

Until the information that is given to breastfeeding women by health care professionals and others is all correct, accurate and free of myths and cultural assumptions, until all mothers who want to breastfeed have access to accurate information and that information is readily available (no matter what her level of education, reading ability etc.), until breastfeeding is seen as a normal activity, until breasts are no longer seen solely as sex objects, until the stigma surrounding breastfeeding (especially in public, and with older babies, toddlers and children) has disappeared completely, until the formula companies have stopped shoving their erroneous information down our throats, until we stop forcing women back into paid work when they are breastfeeding, until women who do want to do paid work while breastfeeding are allowed to express milk or have their babies with them without any hassle and without having to fight for it, until practices (like Attachment Parenting, bedsharing, babywearing etc.) which help the breastfeeding relationship become the cultural norm, until it is considered a woman’s indelible right to breastfeed her infant should she wish, until all this happens I will not judge a woman for her infant feeding decision.

(And even if it does happen, I still won’t judge.)

Sorry I’ve been a while…

I’ve been really busy with real life intruding; grr!

The money situation isn’t great and my hand’s been forced somewhat into seeking some paid work so I’ve been up to my eyeballs with application forms and interviews. I’ve taken the step of telling prospective employers I want to express in work, but so far haven’t been offered any jobs, so maybe it’s time to be a bit more sneaky? (As an ex Recruitment Consultant, I would have advised the candidates to do the latter but as a good, honest newmum, I did think I’d try the other route first.)

So I’m going to try and get a few posts out tonight!